Finding Truth

After the aggravation of the last few years (4 years), I have decided it is time for me to get back into my life and out of the world-confusion. My spiritual path has cliffs on it – I occasionally fall off. I’m climbing back on my path, just like my Capricorn symbol, the mountain goat. I didn’t break my legs falling off this time. 

In 2005, I gave a talk at the Montague Public Library in Montague, PE Canada. I lived there. The librarian gave me a $25 gift certificate to a new bookstore in Montague. Bookstores in Montague opened and closed within months, so I hurried down to the bookstore to cash in my gift. I had no money then for the luxury of books. We lived in a home that ate us alive with utilities and insurance and taxes. The exchange rate between USD and CAD was no longer in our favor. My husband was retired, my son was permanently mentally ill, had just been released from 6 months in a psychiatric ward and I NEEDED A BOOK.

I found The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra. There was a butterfly on the cover and I had been told in a reading a few months before, that whenever I saw a butterfly, it was my father saying hello. Deepak’s book was about his father, after his father passed away. I needed something and this book was it.

I read this book twice because assimilating the ideas takes time for me. At the end of the book, Deepak mentions Vasishta, a wise sadhu and the scripture known as Vasishta’s Yoga. I searched for it and found it on Amazon Canada. 

In this 768 page scripture, Vasishta is talking to Ram, the Hindu Ram. Ram questions why this world is so unhappy, so full of strife, why everyone seems to be miserable and what can be done about it. Vasishta tells him, in many parables and stories, that the world-confusion is just that, confusion, and it is best not to pay attention to it. “No notions!” he repeats over and over. He keeps repeating that at first a coiled rope may look like a snake about to strike, but it is nothing. And that is what the world is, nothing. 


I wish I was articulate enough to explain to you why I know the world is just a construct of men’s minds and their egos, but I’m not. I can only say that it does not matter. Nothing has ever been created and nothing has ever been destroyed. We are all part of the One Cosmic Consciousness and there are those of us who can see beyond the hate, despair, anger and grief that this world-confusion embodies. I can see beyond it when I am not caught up in this world-confusion, when I do not pay attention to it.

I’ve been paying attention to it from time to time. I wasn’t interested at all in the outcome of the 2016 election. I was living with a seriously mentally ill child of 36 years, had financial problems up the wazoo and I could not even think about the world. I was more concerned with keeping oil in my tank to the tune of $716 a month. 

I watched one Trump rally that year, toward the end of the campaign. I told my son, you know he’s got some great ideas. I also had absolutely no love for Clinton, seeing as how I had left the US in 1998 largely because of her husband the the country’s refusal to condemn a president who lies under oath. I was disgusted with them. 

I didn’t vote in 2016. I’ve never voted for a winning candidate for president in my life. I’ve been voting since 1972 so you can see I am something of a Jonah. But when Trump won, I was thrilled. And I was immediately pissed off at the disrespectful and frankly stupid shit people said and did. The whole communistic knitting community was up in arms over him. They knit pink pussy hats. They dressed up like vaginas. I can hardly wait to see how history writes that up.  I got angry. I do not want to know someone’s political leanings when I am participating in what should be an enjoyable, relaxing hobby. But they shoved themselves down my throat. I didn’t buy any more of their shit. No patterns, no classes, no yarn – nothing. I don’t want to be told how I should think by people I’m giving my very sparse cash to. I just won’t tolerate it.

And it went on and on. I’ve never seen a political party with so much hate as the Democrats, so much disrespect for the office. Even when Bush was president, he didn’t get treated this despicably. And now it’s at an end – well President Trump’s term is at an end – I doubt that their pursuit and hatred of him will ever stop.

And why is he so hated? See, I can’t understand it. I don’t see him as the leader of the KKK. I don’t see him as a buffoon, the way they try to paint him. Nobody that turns a million into billions is stupid. That is neither here nor there. Their hate is self-justified and they have subjected this country to the worst 4 years I have ever lived in it. I am sorry I returned to the US in 2007. I wish I had stayed in Canada, while not the bastion of friendliness, is still not as obnoxious as this country.

I realized a couple of days ago that my irritability is getting out of control. I cannot wear a mask and breath or see at the same time. And we have to wear these stupid masks, even though it is obvious that they do not help control the VIRUS. There are more cases in my county since mask wearing became a dictate of our now police state.

Occasionally I think I would like to get out of the house. Usually this is for food, nothing else because there is nothing else. I had an errand to run for the farm and then I went to the grocery store next door out of convenience. Big mistake. I managed to put $252 worth of food in my cart and I go to checkout. There is an old biddy at the cashier and she asks me how I am today. I tell her I am hot and tired and I cannot breath. I pull the mask off. my nose because I need air. She tells me I am talking to her and I need to put the mask up over my nose. She is behind a bullet proof shield. She is wearing a mask. I could have slapped the bitch into next week. I could still slap the stupid bitch into next week.

I come home pissed off and my dear husband – who will always tell me when I am annoying – tells me that I always come home from town pissed off. I tell him it’s because I: 1) hate stupid people 2) there are several stupid people in Houlton 3) I cannot see when I wear a mask because my glasses fog up and I need my glasses 4) I cannot breath in the stupid mask and I need to breath. I also do not enjoy grocery shopping at all. If it were up to me, and it is, I won’t go again. I will, from now on, order my groceries at Hannaford and go pick them up. I will not put a mask on again and walk through a store unless I absolutely have to. If it isn’t available through Hannaford or on-line, I do not need it. So there, I said. LOL. 

That night he told me when he first met me, he was impressed with how nice I am. I told him, look fella, I was impressed with you too. Three years ago. You didn’t know me. I have never been “nice” but I have always been honest. 

That was a bit of a wake-up call although I usually refuse to pay attention to that sort of comment. I have Uranus opposite my Sun and seriously, I am independent. And that is that. I decide what I can tolerate and what I cannot. I will not be NICE just because you like me better that way. The surest way for me not to be NICE is for you to tell. me how I SHOULD ACT. LOL. 

But part of me said crap. Ok, so I have been aggravated as shit since November 3. I do not want to see this country go downhill as it surely is going to with this demented old man been controlled by super weirdos. Seriously, what kind of country gives any sort of attention to someone like Pelosi, Schumer or AOC? And that bitch from Detroit – you know the we’re going to impeach the motherfucker bitch? How low has our society gone that these people are tolerated and even elected? What the fuck happened to the United States?

Nothing. We’re a celebrity worshipping, news hungry society made up of really stupid, ignorant people. I was told by an old boss once that the general mentality of the public is around the mental age of 12. I would put it lower. Although they do all act like the hormones from puberty are fucking with their brains. If you ever raised a son, you know what I mean. They’re great until about 13 and then they become these strange monsters. We have half of our country stuck in puberty acting like monsters.

So what can I do? What I have always done when I finally realize the world is ruling me, my emotions and causing anger. I walk away. I am walking away from this fight. I do not care. I personally would relish untold violence in Washington, D.C. on that idiot’s inauguration day. I’m not going to do it, but I would certainly applaud it. Shake these assholes up – make them pay attention! We have been lockdown, told we’re racists just because we’re white, like black people aren’t racist? Are you kidding me? Did you grow up in the US? I lived through the Civil Rights Wars here. I know what prejudice looks like. I marched against the war in Vietnam (actually I marched because it was a great way to meet guys at school) and I know what a utopia people of my age were looking for. We did not find it. It does not exist. It is all the world-confusion and it is best to ignore it.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s