Just Being Here Now

Being where I am, and not being where I’m not – that’s my recipe for living. You could call it mindfulness, total meditation or Zen. Whatever you call it, for me it is the only way I can function. And it isn’t easy, paying attention.

It doesn’t matter whether I’m depressed, angry, ecstatically happy or bored. I can still be where I am and not where I’m not.

My mind, which has controlled me in the past, no longer has that power. I look at my mind as incapable of producing thought. The thoughts come from the ether, the Cosmic Consciousness, not from my mind and certainly not from the organ called the brain. I couldn’t possibly have an expansive enough mind to hold all of the memories I have. It would have to be as huge as the Universe and twice as dark to hold my thoughts, memories and impressions. Nope. The thoughts don’t live in my mind.

My inner self has always been a place of confusion. On the one hand, I see myself as a pretty combative, self-directed, independent person. I have fought conformity with every atom of my body, soul and mind. I will never be plain vanilla. I can’t. Even if what I am and who I am pisses off every soul walking the earth, I don’t care. I am an individual.

And there’s a problem. I am an individual with a desire to belong to the Universe, to know God not as a concept or an old man sitting on a throne on some distant cloud-like planet far removed from the world-confusion. I do not want that and, in fact, I rebelled against that concept of God at the age of 11 – a time when I was still being forced to attend University Place Christian Church with my family. I couldn’t figure out how a church, supposedly where you go for spiritual comfort, had all the back-biting, status seeking, completely hypocritical, snotty people in it. How do you feel comforted with seeing that every Sunday morning? I couldn’t cope with it. The minute I was allowed to chose whether or not to go to Sunday School, I chose not.

The rebelling part is all well and good, but the lack of a spiritual life still left me strangely empty. I never bought into the hell and damnation part of Christianity. After all, I figured out I was in hell at the same age I got sick of church. Obviously, this life is hell. This colonized part of the Universe is colonized by nasty human beings. Tell me now that we don’t live in the pit of hell. Have you seen Portland and Minneapolis lately? Imagine being poor and unable to leave those places. I can.

But what is the hell, exactly? What makes some people live their lives in total anger, a state of “I’m going to get you” instead of a state of “I’m going to help you?” Why must everyone be so judgmental? After all, I did learn in bible school that “Judgment is mine, sayeth the Lord.” Right? And I also learned something else.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Whoops! That’s obviously not where the world-confusion is leading us. Now it’s more like “Kill everyone you see because they don’t think like you and they never will. Everyone else, except you and your friends, don’t have any right to think, speak or even live.”


Looting in Chicago, makes sense, right? I can’t remember what caused this little spate of hate-filled economic benefit. But I remember a city of Chicago official saying that looting is a part of reparations. Reparations for what????????????????????????

No matter. Repair them any way you can. My way of thinking, there’s no way to provide reparations when there hasn’t been anything taken away from them. There are no slaves alive today in America. And true, there may be descendants of slaves, but I didn’t enslave them and no one else alive today enslaved them.

They enslave themselves with their insistence that their lives are shit, not because of their morals or values or lack of concern for their fellow man, including their own race. No. They are enslaved because over 165 years ago, plantation owners needed workers. It’s not my fault, nor the fault of any other living white person, that the workers were bought. The Jews were slaves in Egypt but I don’t see them all pissed off and rioting in Cairo because the Egyptians enslaved them. They just go ahead and live ……………. after all, the Jewish slaves are all dead. Like their masters and the African slaves in America. They are all dead. They are not here now, they are somewhere else.

I marvel that, rather than dealing with the world-confusion, these people insist on confusing things even more. If our path to that 1000 years of peace involves something called Armageddon, I am not worried.

The worst part about the absolutely shit this country has to deal with is the fact that it hooks my anger. I refuse to give into it. I save my anger for the important things, not what some weird people do in the world-confusion. I just dislike evil. And Evil is what we have right now, supported by people who say, “Yes, but …………….”

Stop the “Yes, but …………..” There’s absolutely no spiritual path to loving kindness through hate, anger, killing and righteous indignation. There’s no spiritual path in accusing people of thoughts they don’t have because of the color of their skin. Jeez, if we can’t think that all black people are lazy, hand-out seeking pieces of human excrement, how can the reverse be true? You cannot have it both ways. All black people are not bad and all black people are not good. Let’s take the color designation out of that.


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